Cowboy Caleb’s Survivor Guide To Valentine’s Day

There is no rocket science to Valentine’s Day. Allow me to help all you guys out there to make sure you get at least to see a nipple by the end of Valentine’s Day.
Rule 1: Book a nice restaurant
Nice means it’s dimly-lit, has excellent service and everything on the menu has some funny french name (chicks lurve French names). If you procrastinated, then please remedy the situation by cooking for her.
Rule 2: Roses, Motherf87ker, Roses
Buy roses. Yes, I know they cost a bomb but you want to be sucking on some teat right? The more roses, the better.
Rule 3: Buy a gift
Diamonds will usually get their panties off. For those of you who can’t afford a solitaire diamond, get silver or something.
Rule 4: After dinner, go to a nice club with liquor
Alcohol makes women horny. You didn’t know? Red wines and champagne are highly recommended.
Rule 5: Make your move as soon as possible
You don’t have all night. Valentine’s Day falls on a Thursday this year. So most women have to go to work the next day. The moment she looks even slightly interested, give her a shiatsu massage or something.
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