Cowboy Caleb the liberal arts, grown-up stuff & random mischief

I Don’t Think So Anymore

The hours bled into each other, and stained my life with the borrowed colours of a man that has either been working too hard for so long that everything was now on auto-pilot with the mind switched off.

She came into my room at about 5pm, a little waif of a girl no older than 19 years old with pimples erupting all over her face with oily hair streaking her forehead. Her hunched shoulders and perpetual gaze at the floor signaled total submission/defeat.

“Sir, I have a little problem… and I need your help” and she slid a piece of paper across my table.

I saw that she had a couple of unapproved overtime hours from way-back in October. Company policy dictated that I either declared it burnt or gave her off-in-lieu.

Taking into consideration all I knew about her. An extremely junior staff who worked hard and grabbed every chance she got for overtime. Went and came back from all her breaks on time. No complaints (but no compliments) from the people she dealt with. Came from some mountain village up in central China. Her monthly salary was probably the cost of 2-3 meals for me back home. Probably sends almost everything she earned back home to help her farmer parents and kid brothers & sisters.

Looking at her sternly, I slid a RMB50 note across the table to her and said “Next time you are to report any unapproved overtime to me immediately, and not wait until the next month!”.

She beamed a huge smile at me, and huge tears began to fall from her (now) red eyes, then she nodded her head.

“And don’t tell anybody what just happened here!”

By now she was bubbling away. I dismissed her from my room and smiled to myself for a long time.

                **************

Do not mistake my gesture as an act of kindness. The only reason I did it, was because I wanted her to spread word of my benevolent goodness to the rest of the employees. And I knew she would.

In other words, I am a hypocrite. A lying, self-effacing scumbag that will exploit any situation to his own advantage.

Everyday, I put on a show. I work endlessly at being charming and nice, because people will only help you if they like you. And you need people to help you to get things done if you want to be successful.

Here is a fact - I can’t stand to watch the parts of a movie where the hero has to deal with defeat or loss. I am pretty sure it’s because I can’t deal with defeat or loss in real-life.

This show has been going on for so long, that I can’t stop this facade or disguise. People wouldn’t help me, if I were being me. I am not really nice or likable. What really terrifies me, is that there is no alternative to my situation.

And everyday, I spiral further downwards into fear and self-loathing.

let’s put it this way, it’s much fairer that you paid her rather than wrote off her OT. Does it matter if you were motivated by kindness or wanted to create a good reputation?

However, 50rmb isn’t a lot of money, even in China, so I wonder how come Chinese employees are being paid so little in an MNC

Sounds like Mr Yee… hmm..

i would probably give extra too if i were you. You are the foreigner in their land, and good karma might just come back to you. Keep the faith

take her out for some really nice meals and send her back to northern china.

All of you miss the point. I care too much about seeming to care.

almost every one of us corporate rats do it - unless u have either great talent AND a huge ego or u don’t really need the job. I guess it is how uncomfortable u are with the charade. Most accept it, others will just burn out after a while. U can’t stay in a place where u have to hide so much of yourself.

i almost thought it wld end up as an disgusting love story there. ewwwwww

but then again, maybe u love popping pimples like some ppl do.

Stupid boy. You haven’t exploited anybody because regardless of whether your act was born of selfless kindness or a selfish desire, she benefits. You are a hypocrite only if you turn around and stab her in the back by complaining about her to whoever.

There is a very simple alternative to your situation - Instead of focusing on how two-faced you think you are and then getting all depressed over it, why don’t you focus instead on how you’ve made someone else happy and be happy about it.

Come back soon please, so I can knock your head.

LMD>> no worries.. cowboy’s just having an episode a middle class guilt :P

LMD> u knock his head. i’ll kick him in his specials.

I don’t get it people… some of you seem to be critical of judgemental of Cowboy when it is clear he is a saint and a rare person who actually cares about other people and proves it each and every day. For those of you who are selfish and self-centred, take a look at yourself in the mirror someday…

yeah.. CB is a nice guy. It will be too gay if he shows too much of his gentle side.

operation_houdini>> So what Cowboy trying to gain from this drama gesture? To be a hero trying to save a poor girl unapproved OT? or to be a santa claus to giveaway $$ and show off his benevolent to his China team?

Cowboy seems has this drama charaterastic.

Oi Cowboy, can you donate some $$ for me please…

Huh? Critical? No lah they where got critical. They also want to erase some of his unfounded guilt due to pure unadulterated Frrrrriendship mah.

nah, we r not being critical. just being realistic about not needing to be so drama and blogging abt RMB50 worth of charity. or any amount really.

like i said. middle class guilt=no need to blog abt.

The latest post from Naeboo’s blog

“I’m sleepy, I’m tired, I haven’t done my claims.

Fuck Mondays…

Someone give me something for the pain. :/”

Give me good old middle class guilt from cowboy than boring drivel from Naeboo’s spurts of bowel movement anyday.

At least she benefits from it.

Look on the bright side, then go back to being the assshat we all know.

nicelyput>> if so boring. why r u quoting me? doh.

regular>>the only benefit is to get the shit out. not too bad ler.

haha.. well.. its his upper mgt guilt conscience at work…

but i agree with LMd.. why feel bad over doign a good deed though u had dishonourable intentions.. what matters most is she got some compensation for it…

so the begging question is did u get anything outta it ??

JF is worse ley.. apalah, u hinting he popped her pimples isit?? ho ho ho ho

So Cowboy what is the URL of your secret blog? I’d bet you have a 50-dollar entry on this over there.

hey cowboy. i’ve been reading your blog for a while now, haven’t commented before, but this time i kind of think i should. i know i shouldn’t judge you from the content of your blog, but it worries me that the way you write about how you feel seems to be getting from bad to worse.. it’s kind of heart wrenching. and the stupid little comments people make here aren’t exactly comforting to hear, most of the time i just see comments that pick on you non-stop.

i just want you to know that you’re a great person and i’ve enjoyed your blog all this time, so don’t let whatever that is getting you down get you down. work isn’t everything. being a shitty person isn’t everything.

i’m not pitying you or anything.. you know that right? take care, i hope this cheers you up. :)

he needs the magic charm i bought. haaaa

ah9>>by magic charm, u meant “dildo”??? huahuahuahaua