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The Difference Between a Vow and a Promise
After this weekend, if for whatever reason you feel that things may not work out, please breakup and go your separate ways.
Those were the words of the opening talk given by a priest at the Marriage Encounter Retreat that my gf and I attended over the weekend. We were cut off from civilization from Friday to Sunday at a remote church chalet. With the divorce rate rising faster then fizzy foam from a rootbeer mug, the Catholic church has mandated that anybody who wishes have a church wedding must first attend a marriage preparation course.
The gf was not too happy about this of course. Firstly because she was not a Catholic like me. Secondly because we had to stay overnight at some strange place. And lastly because we didn’t know anybody else there. But she wanted a church wedding, so off we went.
It’s tough being cynical educated asshats. Both of us thought we knew everything. So during the first night and morning, we were bored stiff. Looking back now, I realize that we were resisting and closing our minds to different ideas. To our surprise, more then half of the couples there were like us - one partner was a Catholic and the other was a pagan not. Suddenly we realized that we were not alone, and that after making friends with other couples, we warmed up and started enjoying ourselves.
It was difficult at first. They kept giving us questionaires containing highly personal questions about our past, family, sexuality and mental health. After answering them, we would fold them up and give them to a facilitator. We never got them back. It was like we were confessing to ourselves. At the end of the weekend, we realized that we the whole point of the questions were to help us learn more about our ownselves, and discover a side of us that we never knew. For how can you marry another person if you do not even know yourself?
Couples who previously attended and were now married came back to share their experiences with us. They covered terribly personal and embaressing topics such as problems with in-laws, infidelity, sexual problems and nasty aspects of marriage. I don’t know which was more painful, having to listen to them tell us about their marriage problems or them having to share such personal matters.
Parents were highlighted as potential causes of a breakdown in marriages, especially when a mother-in-law lives with a daughter-in-law because the blurring of roles causes friction. This was made very clear to the Indian couples because apparently it is a huge problem in indian communities where the matriarchs rule with iron rods.
Dude, so like all this while jerking off has been a sin?
Yeah, we’ve all been sinning since we were teenagers.
Maybe it’s not a sin if nobody sees you doing it?
Wahahaha.
We also got a quick course in Natural Family Planning, using the Billings Ovulation Method which caused a great uproar amongst the men when we realized how many days we would have to forgo sex if we started using it after we got married. Did you know that Catholics do not use artificial methods of birth control? Even ejaculation and masturbation is a big no-no. The latter being a great concern and was discussed by the men during a smoke break.
When the sizzle of courtship is gone, then all you have is commitment to make sure you remain married for the rest of your life. The church does not permit divorce. Once you are married, it’s forEVAR. Once the sacrement of Matrimony has been given to a couple, divorce results in excommunication.
It worries me that my children may grow up confused because mommy isn’t a Catholic. I made friends with another lady who shared my concern because her partner was a Buddhist. So we made a pact to support each other by going to church regularly together. She can’t do it alone, and neither can I. But together it might be possible. We’re not trying to convert our partners but rather we hope that they will do it of their own accord with enough exposure to the church.
As a result of this weekend retreat, my gf and I are better prepared for marriage. I understand my future role better and she understands hers. Tomorrow isn’t so uncertain anymore. We look forward to living the rest of our lives together.
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