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Cowboy Caleb recommends 
Movie reviews: Van Helsing & The Punisher
The tribe went to watch the midnight screening of Van Helsing, and the next day I had the chance to watch The Punisher on a pirated vcd. How do they stack? Click on more to find out.
Van Helsing
This movie reminds me of AXN channel’s Monster Night. It is chock full of violent CGI animation. If it seems to be a campy B-movie with a mega-budget, it’s intentional. Hugh Jackman is excellent as the indomitable Val Helsing, who is a little bit of both murderer and holy man.
Despite the fact that this Van Helsing has nothing to do with the anime Van Helsing, we liked it. It’s a good popcorn movie with plenty of bloodshed and insane moments. The chars suffer from SBS (Stupid Bitch Syndrome) but that’s to be expected. Examples include female heroines who want to hunt vampires at night and peasents who continue to live next to Count Dracula’s lair despite having numerous housing options.
Verdict: 3.5 wangs if you’re a man. If you’re a woman, then skip this movie - you won’t like it.
The Punisher
An hour into this movie, I was wandering if I was being punished for some unknown transgressions. John Travolta stars in his next worst ever movie (the worst being Battlefield Earth). The Punisher is a wuss. His sidekicks are an alcoholic waitress, an overweight homo and a junkie with lots of piercings. He gets his ass wipped a lot. There is no sex in this movie. The violence is erratic and unsatisfying. The ending is like holy shit, that’s all?
Hey the comic Punisher was never like this. He was a cold-assed bitch with plenty of firepower and no mercy. What a disgrace.
Verdict: 0.143 wangs if you’re a man. If you’re a woman, don’t even go near this movie.
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