Human-flesh search engines – have become a Chinese phenomenon: they are a form of online vigilante justice in which Internet users hunt down and punish people who have attracted their wrath. The goal is to get the targets of a search fired from their jobs, shamed in front of their neighbors, run out of town. It’s crowd-sourced detective work, pursued online — with offline results. #
I have decided to invent an imaginary female genital and append it to my physical perception of reality. You see, I have been feeling rather moody for unknown reasons and it bothers me that I cannot get to the root causes.
Therefore from this day onwards, I have decided to blame my emotional imbalances on my brand new meta-labia.
Everytime I yell at you, or scold you for no apparent reason – it’s not me. It’s my labia.
Whenever I don’t feel like talking or shrug you off without a proper explanation – yup, you guessed it. It’s my labia.
And when I watch shows like Titanic, it’s my labia forcing me to do it!
I encourage all my readers to invent new meta-genitals for their various neuroses and other mental illnesses. It is a fun and guilt-free way of indulging in your favorite negative pastimes.
Japan Airlines battles black market in flight uniforms – Japan Airlines has told warned its staff not to sell their uniforms, fearing that laid-off air crew could try to auction their old stewardess outfits on the internet for a profit. #
The cleaners at both my office and my apartment have been on the receiving end of my wrath, as I found the floors covered with a slick sheet of water. Later, I found out that what happened was that winter had abruptly been ended with a warm wave of air that resulted in a high level of humidity which covered exposed areas with moisture.
It wasn’t my fault – I had no idea that the frigging floors could sweat like a fat kid on a sunny day.
So today one of my people confronted me. Well, he wasn’t actually one of mine, since he reported to a manager that reported to me but in the grand scheme of things, I have the final say but anywayyyyyyyyyy…. he was really upset and had drove from his office location to my office location just to talk to me about his grievances.
What happened was that he had gotten a bad performance rating. What upset him was that this was the second year in the row that he had received a bad rating. What drove him insane was his manager refused to elaborate on what was wrong with his work performance.
Not being one to mince my words (also he was keeping me from my morning coffee, and since I’ve started drinking coffee again – anything that gets inbetween me and my coffee are not long for this world) I explained to him very calmly that he was in a pretty senior pay grade. One promotion away from managerial level in fact.
And yet he seemed to be on auto-pilot mode, cruising through his career. He only does whatever he is told to do. Fails to display any initiative to improve current work processes or costs. Utterly dismal at following up on work we assign to him that gets stuck.
There were 3 other people in the same paygrade as him. None of them needed to be ‘managed’. All of them did their jobs, and more. People in his paygrade exist to make life easier for their bosses.
He sat down stunned in his chair at my brutal honesty and told me that he totally agreed with everything I had said and that this was a wake-up call for him. Apparently it had never occurred to him that he earned more money than the others for a reason instead of some twist of fate.
And then I sent him on a long business trip to a backwards forsaken place in central China.
This problem so stumped Basicland’s politicians that they asked for advice from Benfranklin Leekwanyou Vokker, an old man who was considered so virtuous and wise that he was often called the “Good Father.”
In a Wheel Of Time RPG MUD (a long time ago), I was one of the Foresaken and therefore a real baddie. Whenever there were marriages in game, we’d attack them with the goal of being to steal the brides clothes and sac her corpse. One of the Aes Sedai (the good people) started talking to me semi-OOC, and asking me why I was such a dick and called me all kinds of bad names. I told her that I was once of the Chosen, and was commanded, blah, blah. Anyway, over a couple of months, I stopped killing people, became her warder, joined her team, etc… We got “to know each other”, and I asked her to MUD marry me. She said yes.
I wrote the marriage script, and it was very romantic. I made sure to make her “I do” before mine. We had 100 people in the room at the time of the wedding. She said “I do.” I said “cast chain lightning”. The evil people standing around the room also chain lightninged. She ran. I followed. She died. I took her wedding clothes and sacced the corpse.
OOC some of her friends emailed me saying that she was really in love with me, and she stopped eating and wasn’t able to make her classes, and I had destroyed her life.
Growing up as a geek in the 80’s and 90′, we didn’t have any Harry Bleeding Potter. Instead we had ant-hero, poetry-spouting and the extremely obscure Adrian Mole.
If you were a fan (or still are) of Adrian Mole, you’ll be interested to note that I’ve just discovered the download links for a Adrian Mole TV series made all the way back in 1985….
P.S: For those of you in awe of this insanely obscure bit of useful trivia, this would be a good time to remind you of my incredible powers of blogging.
During my last trip back to Singapore, I bought a HP Pavilion DV2 laptop because it had a HDMI port and a dedicated graphics processor card. This laptop was then transported back to my apartment in China, where I have linked it up to my 46 inch flatscreen HDTV (It’s a AllView China brand which I’ve never heard of but the picture quality is very good).
Why have I done this?
Not to be able to work in 46 inch flatscreen luxury….
This laptop is now a dedicated home entertainment system. While I am at the office, it’s downloading movies, tv series, anime and pron nonstop from the Intarwebs. Then when I get home, I watch the shit in high-definition 46 inch glory.
Being able to enjoy a new movie each day when I enter my apartment back from another day of dread at the office beats getting a blowjob from an ugly girl.
My next project: Install a exercise bike in front of the TV so I can workout while watching Naruto kick Sasuke’s arse.
What If Jesus Meant All That Stuff?
At one point Gandhi was asked if he was a Christian, and he said, essentially, “I sure love Jesus, but the Christians seem so unlike their Christ.” A recent study showed that the top three perceptions of Christians in the U. S. among young non-Christians are that Christians are 1) antigay, 2) judgmental, and 3) hypocritical. So what we have here is a bit of an image crisis, and much of that reputation is well deserved. #
Apartment Therapy: Home Hacks 2010
Very suitable for cities like Singapore, where everybody lives in a filing cabinet except the ultra-rich, who live in landed property with very very small roads cramped further by rampant illegal parking. I now live in an apartment in China now, and I think the hacks listed here are pretty good. #
Imagine going from racing cars in a video game to actually racing multi-million dollar cars on an actual track. It simply boggles the mind.
Proof that anything that you can imagine, you can make real – with a little help from Sony’s make.believe.
Sony would like to invite all of you readers, to take your ideas, creativity, imagination and curiosity and make.believe them into reality.
So Sony is holding 2 contests online and you can join one or both of them.
Dot Your Dream
Choose from mediums like GAME.ME (for gamers), MOVIE.ME (budding movie makers), MUSIC.ME (tunesmiths) and TECH.ME ( gadget lovers) to express your own personal dream/aspiration.
1 winner based on highest votes online will be able to execute his/her plan to realise the dream with Sony’s sponsorship. Sony will assess the plan and support financially up to $100K to help winner realise the dream. Announcement of winner online on 16 April 2010.
Submissions will commence from 11 Feb to 14 Mar 2010 and 8 finalists will be selected by Sony to be posted online for voting (1 to 14 April 2010)
The second and third runner up of Dot your dream contest will each get $10K and $5K set of Sony products respectively.
Photo Contest: Dot Your Moment
The Photo contest is open to all readers with a passion for photography to send in entries.
Do you have a photo that somehow manages to capture the quintessential essence of the moment? The trumph and the despair? The joy and the sorrow?
This Photo contest offers winners the chance to take position at the side of football pitch of World Cup SA 2010 as fan photographers to shoot top football stars in action.
25 finalists will be posted online for voting.
8 entries with the highest votes will get the dream prize sponsored by Sony:
-1 pair of air tickets (Not including VISA)
- air port transfers
- accommodation
- 1 entry pass to the side of pitch
- 1 seat to watch World Cup SA 2010
No One Knows What the F*** They’re Doing (or “The 3 Types of Knowledge”)
Have you ever received praise, or even an award, for being great at something despite having no clue what you’re doing? Do you feel like a fraud, wondering what sort of voodoo you’ve unwittingly conjured up to make people think you know what you’re doing, when the reality is quite the contrary? #
Remember those awesome Pirelli Run-Flat tyres, I bought in Sept 2008? Well, I forgot as well. I thought since they cost so much and could continue running despite a puncture, they would probably last forever.
I even ignored the fap-fap-ftsskkk-fap-fap sounds coming from the tyres for a couple of months.
The photo above shows what happens, when you continue to drive a run-flat tyre, long after it’s gone flat. Note the extremely long gash at the side.
I’ve switched to Michelin brand tyres now, because the shop I went to had run out of 16 inch Pirelli run-flats. My new tyres are so silent, I could sneak up behind you at 180kmph and you wouldn’t know until it was too late.
“The Road” is a what-if movie, that ponders upon the fate of Middle-Earth if Sauron had recovered the One Ring from Frodo and won the war.
In this movie, failed savior-king Aragorn wanders about trying to protect Frodo Baggins who has gone mad from his failure to destroy the One Ring. Together they journey Southwards in search of warmer lands. The danger of cannibal orcs is always present and they try their best not to get eaten alive.
At one point, Gandalf catches up with them, but his mind has clearly gone feeble as well because he says his name is Eli and is too old to do anything.
In the end, Aragorn died, leaving Frodo alone. Miraculously, Legolas appears in the nick of time and asks Frodo to join him and his merry band of Hobbits in an attempt to repopulate a new Shire.
The Case For An Older Woman On Dating Websites
In a better world, this would imply that older people don’t necessarily have a harder time finding decent mates than younger ones, as the composition of the dating pool holds relatively steady from age to age. Put another way: a 45 year-old woman shouldn’t in theory have a harder time finding a date than a 20 year-old, because the female-to-male ratios at those ages are equal (roughly 11:9). Of course, we all know that 45 year-olds do have a much harder time, because the male fixation on youth distorts the dating pool.
In short, if you’re a lonely or horny young male, go for older women to increase your chances. #
For a long time now, I’ve been unable to sleep throughout the night. Most nights, I find myself sitting in an upright position in my bed staring at the spot on the wall. Sometimes, I find myself in parts of my house like the kitchen. And I also wake up like 4 times every night to pee.
It’s been taking a toll on me. During the day, I feel exhausted. I fall asleep in taxi’s, during meetings, during conference calls and you can have a conversation with me that ends with me closing my eyes and asking you to repeat the question. People are starting to think I am abusing my authority or that I have no respect for them because of my ability to fall asleep mid-way into a discussion.
Tonight, since I’m back home in the bosom of modern medicine, I finally decided to confide in my close doctor man-friend about my condition, fearing that it may be some symptom of brain cancer or something else more sinister.
He explained to me that I was overstressed. There are 6 stages of sleep, and I was probably not even getting into the REM stage (when you begin to dream which means your brain is in garbage recycling mode) which meant I was not getting any meaningful rest.
So now I have a pack of sedatives. I’m wondering if they are placebos. But I they look real enough. I’m going to pop one into my mouth and try to make it through the night cuddling up with the Z Monster.
I hate Facebook. It is creepy. It is full of people I barely know poking me and asking me to attend strange events in crazy places I never even knew existed. Everyday, I receive email from my nutjob ‘friends’ giving me eggs and fairies from stupid online games that are actually invitations to join their madness online. And don’t even get me started about the privacy settings in Facebook.
Facebook is broken.
Enter Google Buzz, a social network that has all your friends in it (cmon everybody with an anus has a gmail account these days, even James Seng has one). It integrates directly into your gmail inbox as an additional folder.
And best of all, it works even better on your smartphones (iPhone and Android only at this time, but Windows Mobile, Blackberry and Nokia coming soon).
So please activate Google Buzz in your Gmail, and start following me “Cowboycaleb at Gmail.com”. We’re going to have a whole new bunch of fun (adult) online… hehehe
Blogging is no longer cool for this generation of teens – Only 14 percent of teenage Internet users said that they blogged last year—that’s half the number from 2006. Similarly, teen commenting on blogs is way down from 76 percent in 2006 to just over 52 percent in 2009. It doesn’t matter whether the blog is on Blogspot or buried within MySpace, either—blogs in general are definitely not the new black. #
How To Watch TV Online – introducing TVgorge.com. I recommend my new favourite drama, Breaking Bad (what happens when life keeps dealing you with crap cards and then you finally snap) which I’ve been watching one at a time, every night. #
For My Gay Readers: Gay Gaze….. that’s right, I am hereby acknowledging that I have gay readers. Gay folk are people too. Even if they prefer sucking dick like women.#
How One TV Show Turned A Generation Of American Boys Into Homosexuals #
In a recent inteview by PatLaw (a most terrible person, I agree) you casually mentioned that I was not marriage material nor an object of desire for sexual coitus.
That’s alright.
I OSO DOWAN TO ROLL IN THE HAY OR MARRY YOU. LATER YOU BROG ABOUT IT.
Normally, whenever my hair gets too long, it’s a sign that I’ve been in China for too long and I should fly back on the next available plane. But these days, I don’t go back so often. And to make matters worse, the next time I fly back, it will be just in time for the Lunar New Year and all the hair salons will be charging 2X.
So on Sunday, I went for my first evar haircut in China. Hair salons are very busy places in China. I kid you not. They are staffed with many good looking young boys with all kinds of ridiculous hair cuts. Their main source of revenue are women who come in for Gan Xi or Dry hairwash at the end of their busy day. So that means the hair salons are open until like really really late (4am).
Obviously, I did not want my head to be handled by some gay young buck so I went around looking for a hair salon with upmarket hair products (Keratase, Schwarzkopf etc) and not too many customers. Having found one, I went in and told them I wanted a wash and a trim. They promptly asked me to lie down on a bed with a basin at the head.
So far so good, it’s pretty much like home. But to my dismay, instead of assigning a lady to wash my hair, they assigned some gaylord out of Meteor Garden instead. And the damned gaylord proceeded to wash my hair for 45 mins!!!
Then they sat me at a chair in front of a full length mirror. I had never noticed the elegant bulge of my genitals gently pressing against my jeans before. No wonder I’ve always been blessed with the opposite sex. Hahaha.
So they asked me if I would like the RMB100 or RMB150 cut. I ask them to elaborate what the difference is and they told me that I get my hair cut for a longer duration of time for RMB150.
WTF?
So the price has nothing to do with the skill of the hair stylist? No. Only the duration of time he is going to spend styling your hair.
Anyway, I went for the RMB150 just in case, and 30 mins later I realized to my horror that he had cut my hair the exact same style as his own. And he didnt even bother to ask me what kind of cut I wanted, the cheeky bastard!
Subscribe to my blog feed
Cowboy Caleb recommends 
